Aaaaaagh!

I'm on leave. Was on leave yesterday and today. Yesterday I drank myself silly very happily without a care in the world. Got a call today in the morning at 10 from my boss asking me to be in the office by 10:15. I'm in the office with a hangover that could be the subject of a movie.

Life.

Of Rains and Planning (or lack thereof)

I have 3 days of dawas to go! I think on Thursday my local will have a welcome mat out for me, a T-shirt and perhaps even create a Digzer theme night! I do notice though that while I was away, the price of beer went up. Bummer. But as someone on radio said, there's little that can be done to keep the faithful drinker away from their drinkee of choice!

In other news, the rains are here and I swear I won't complain about getting drenched. I should have taken a 'before' picture of the Nairobi River for those of you who hadn't seen it recently, to get, well, a picture of how dire the situation has been. Birds, and I mean tiny ones and not stocks, were standing comfortably in the middle of the river sifting through the mud for grub. After the last few days' rain, there's water to speak of. You can actually hear the water flowing past. It's nowhere near it's former glory; a river rushing so wildly it was capable of drowning a full grown man, but with any hope it will get there.

I am saddened by the firm knowledge that our dear government (whose water ministry is presently embroiled in a scandal over stolen millions) will do absolutely nothing to try and capture, contain and conserve this water for future need. I mean, on yesterday's news they said that there were floods in Mandera (I kid you not) that were now leading to untold suffering for a community that was only last week suffering from the ravages of the drought.

God help Kenya.

37 day Warp

37 days. That was the verdict. 37 days.

Few steps back. I got food poisoning over the long weekend and the doc gave me the world of drugs. I hate hospitals. I hate doctors. But more than all that, I hate drugs. Always have, always will. The former 2 are hated for their tendancy to result in the need for the latter.

Anyway, that part I could have hacked, but it didn't end there. The world of drugs were to be taken over a period of 37 days. No alcohol allowed. How the hell does one go through 37 days without alcohol? What is one supposed to do? This is a genuine question. I'm on day 3 and getting tired of the tonic...

Likely to seek a second opinion!

The future is wireless? Please no!

Today was a day created by God to show me why we must resist technological advances and embrace human resources (even though they be civil servants!)

Get a call in the morning from work (I'm on leave studying for exams (hence the great increase of activity in the blogosphere)) and I urgently needed to access my email. So I plug in my Safcom thingamajing and I get an error message (Error 1717 ... like that should mean something to me ...) I try again and again only to realize that I don't have cash (Damn that Sauti Sol video that I played over and over yesterday!). So I load up with credit (thank you m-pesa inventor) and try again ... just to get the same error message. I call Customer Care 6 million and 15 times but it obviously doesn't go through (heck I'm only a customer .. why shoud it?). I try accessing the net on my phone to no avail. *sigh*

My mood clouded, I decide to go to town to pick a few things and get some cash. I go to the ATM machine to find it being serviced. So I walk off to another branch only to find an error message. I bid for time (impending exam weighing heavily on mind), buy stuff with the cash I had and go back to machine A only to find a &*%#@| error message! ("Wale watu walikuwa wanatengeneza walisema watarudi" the helpful watchman tells me)

I'm upset. I'm pressed for time. I'm hungry. I don't have money. (aaaaaaarrrgh!) Lucky for me I still had some m-pesa money on my phone so I withdrew some.

When I got home, I was releived to find that the net was up. Just now I'm surprised to find m-pesa is down.

Join me in throwing some device or other against a wall ...

Of Sauti and The Colour White

I absolutely love these guys and this song in particular. Wonder where I can get their CD ...



Unrelated matter: jana I got into a mat on my way to town. So the kange is calling for other guys to get in and this chick shows up dressed immaculately in white. She stands at a distance showing interest in boarding and the kange has to go to her to find out what her misgivings were. They chat shortly and she decides to board.

Chick-D saunters over to the mat and decides that she will seat upfront. She slowly opens her bag, as we all wonder what's going on, and removes a khoi khoi. She slowly unfolds it and proceeds to tie it around her waist before she boards the mat. The kange is besides himself in stitches and his pal starts asking kwani they don't wash the seats ...

Dress in white if you like. Cover yourself up before boarding public transportation if it tickles your fancy. But for heaven's sake don't hold the rest of us hostage for upwards of 10 minutes as you go about your shannanigans!

Of Old Professions and Street Etiquette

So I'm seated at home comfortably browsing the web instead of studying for my upcoming exams as I should be when I hear some commotion outside. I mute the TV to hear what's going on and I hear a woman claiming that she's being thuped by some jamaa. I peer out the window and find indeed that there's a jamaa and a chick on the ground outside all but exchanging blows. I'm in shock and for a moment my feminist side almost has me flying down the stairs (super woman to the rescue) but then I get to hear what the confrontation was all about.

The woman stands in the middle of the road, having disengeged herself from the dude, and with arms akimbo declares loudly enough for the people in Madagascar to hear, "Mimi ni malaya!" By now a crowd has started to gather and this does not phase her from going on "Na utanilipa! Umesha ni tomba na sasa ulipe!"

2 things. First, there are certain JD's that require a certain tenacity and strength of spirit to undertake. I've heard too many a story of what can go wrong in the oldest profession.

Second, the least you can do as a purchaser of certain services is pay for them. Would you walk into the NSE buy shares and refuse to pay?

As for those creating a disturbance in the hood, the guy took off (perhaps overcome with embarassment) and the damsel chased after him to declare his mis-deeds further afield and secure the Kshs. 1,800.00 she was owed.

And in other drastically unrelated news, there's an ad on TV for Rotavirus which is said to kill quite a number of kids annually. Wouldn't one think that a serious topic deserving a sombre mood? Well, the genious who got the contract to create the ad went ahead to give it a yellow and red background with pictures of kids and ... a chirpy instrumental version of 'yankee doodle'. Need I say more?

Of Standards and Campaigns

Today I bought the Standard Newspaper which I can't ordinarily read coz I wanted to get in touch with what's going on in the Pulse. The heading reads "Tight Race as ODM leads in Shinyalu". Below this is a table indicating interim results as showing that the ODM guy has approx 14,000 votes while the KADDU and PNU aspirants have a total of slightly over 9,000 votes. (Pause for effect) WTH is wrong with these people! In what planet would that be considered a 'tight race'!!! The story then goes on to state in the first line that 'ODM took a commanding lead in Shinyalu with 77 out of 80 polling stations counted' *sigh*

In other news I think that Safaricom is really trying with its 'niko na' campaign. Like the songs and ads. But I think they're really mean for giving their shareholders a no-frills AGM. Even a bamba 50 in lieu of umbrellas or lunch would have been appreciated.

Census? Really?

But seriously ... I get home early on Monday evening waiting to take part in the civic duty that doesn't involve standing in interminable queues or being robbed blind in the name of tax. I've sat pretty, scared of leaving the house too long lest they come while I'm out. I even went to bed late and got up early leo. Nothing. I chose to dash out to get something to eat and was dumbfoubded to find that some of my neighbours doors had chalk marks. I asked the watchie who tells me that the enumerators stopped at some 5 odd houses (out of 20) at around 7:30pm and left with a promise to return ... Hasn't happened.

Why would some houses be counted and not others? Sounds to me like a ploy to seat back and fill out statistics at a local bar ...

Have you been counted?

Project Fame ... Why?

Not to be political or unduly sinical, but I wonder, why would I queu up for an unmentionable number of hours waiting in line to get a chance to perform at TPF after having seen the non-starter performances of my would be predecessors?

Don't get me wrong. I think it's a great idea and that Eastern Africa has a lot of potential but is TPF geting the best? Perhaps they're just doing what they can.

Of World Wonders and Rodham

So jana after a hard day's work, I chose to go to one of my favourite pub's in town for a drink. I got to town and chose to walk up Moi Avenue on my way. He he he! It was like Kenya's Wonder of the World but with human beings instead of wilderbeest and narrow walk ways instead of a river! I don't get into the CBD much on weekdays so this really shocked me and I couldn't help but wonder where everyone was coming from now that they were all moving in one direction. (Anyone who's read Stephen King's Cell will know the creepy feeling I experienced). I felt like that fish that has to swim upstream (is it up a waterfall) before getting to the place where it must lay it's eggs and die. Note to self: must find a new pub.

On a totally unrelated matter, I must say Hillary Clinton has greatly surprised me with her down to earth comments about Kenya. She stole my heart when she said that the image that should be portrayed of Kenya is the fact that it is a good place to raise kids. This is an admission of the fact that foreign media does not do Kenya and this continent justice in their news reports. If only more could be done about that state of affairs other than a casual remark. Clinton gets a B+ from me for exceedng my expectations (well she is still american ...)

Of Love Docs Gone Hostile

So janaa as I wound up my evening listening to radio I happened to tune in to Capital FM where there was a presenter 'B', whose show was aimed at bringing those who've split back together. So how it works is you call/text in, give your love woes and the number of the person causing them and B will call him/her for you and play love doctor.

So a young lady sends a text expressing how she had a good thing going with Dude X for 6 months and now he doesn't return her calls. She wanted to know what had cut. B calls Dude X who, (in what I considered unnecessarily harsh manner) tells the world that he was just being kind to chick-d who had lost the spark of interest that had drawn him to her. In short, he said (in moer words than necessary) that she was boring. It would all have been fine if the story had ended there, but B proceeded to tell Dude X that he sounds very charming and she would be interested in giving him a shot herself ... She actually told him to stay on the line so they could have a chat off air. How, I ask, how does your love doctor try to slice you! That's a first!

Retail Therapy

I'd been feeling a little down the whole of today, and this had slightly more to do than with just the weather (que depressing song to sad story that's not told ...). I decided to step out for some retail therapy and found me the prettiest shoes (that I'll certainly have on tommorrow). I'm smiling from ear to ear and even the weather has improved.

What do you do to cheer yourself up?

Of Manholes and Covers

In my walks around the city, it has recently come to my attention that quite a number of manhole covers are being removed. There's a time I actually witnessed some guys do the removing at noon or thereabouts in an estate, but we all assumed it was the Council doing its best to unblock the clogged drains. Its only after about a month when the clogging hadn't been sorted out and the cover hadn't come back that we smelt a rat ...

Today, on my way to work, I was shocked to find a gaping hole on what I had all along assumed to be a part of the road. Seems that these guys either walk around with the City's sewer plans or have a nose for smelling these things out ...

Anyhoo, it reminded me of the tale of 2 pals of mine who'd been walking on a rainy evening through the CBD. They'd been in deep conversation when one of then suddenly realized that she was talking to herself. She looks sideways to try and see where the other has gone but doesn't see her. It isn't until she looks down that she finds that the other had stepped into a water covered manhole (thinking it was just a puddle) and was at great pains trying to extricate herself from it. It's all friend No. 1 could do to stop laughing and assist. The mental image always gives me a chukle.

Have a manhole free day won't you!

Of Couples and Gloomy Mornings

So today morning as I went about my usual walk I noticed a female driven Vitz zoom past me and stop at an intersection. The passenger side door was thrown open and before it begun to swing back from the force a good looking young fellow in a smart suit stormed out and slammed the door behind him. The lady promptly zoomed off. Those of us who happened to have witnessed it looked on after him as he stomped off to get into a mat.

This made me think of the couples I see driving together in the morning. If you ever look at them, you will notice that 99.999999% of them don't talk. Not only do they not talk but they look as though they are a hair's breadth away from re-enacting the above scene. What's up with our couples. What do they do to each other in the morning after a night of snuggling close amid other activities? Perhaps I'll find out when in that situation?

Of Tears and Toddlers

So juzi I was in a mat minding my own business on my way home. Nice Sunday afte and I'm thinking all is well with the world. Then a lady gets in with a kid who looks about 4 and he's crying. At first it's cute as I consider the childish petulence endearing. After a quick couple of minutes it gets old. And I quickly get to thinking the way mother's of nowadays let their kids get away with bloody murder. This kid goes on and on in tears and the mother seemingly oblivious stares off in the opposite direction. As we get along, the kid decides to tell the mother that the reason for his tears is that he wants water. She nicely and patiently explains to him that she doesn't have any but that they will get some when they get to their destination. The young one throws his little fists in the air and wales in his tantrum for the rest of my journey.

With my face clouded over I ask myself why she doesn't just do something about it. And then a little memory comes to mind. I must have been around 6 years old and was with my dad and brother as we walked through town with a million places to go when I suddenly declared that I was dying of thirst. I said I could hardly take another step until I got some water. My poor dad left me in the charge of my brother as he ran into a super market to get me some water. He got back with a whole litre and we all stood around waiting for me to drink to my fill. I promptly took 2 dainty sips and said I'd had enough! If my dad were a jungu he'd have been as red as red shaggs soil!

As I alighted and the kid continued crying, I threw a weak commiseratory smile to the poor mother and went on my way. Hoorah to all the parents of the world!

Michael's Kids aren't his ... yet the West never noticed

I love Michael Jackson and love his music. He's the Hailey's Commet of super stars and I'm glad the he passed by in my life time. RIP Michael.

That said, he did have quirky habits and I didn't really think much about them. I mean he's a star after all (Alanis Morriset keeps vials of blood ...) The subject of this post isn't even so much that he claimed kids who weren't his to be his (anyone could do that and we all have our secrets) but that no one ever really seemed to notice.

In this era of substances scraped off Lewinsky's dress to prove a point and Princess Di's terrible end at the hands of the paparazzi, how is it that the media didn't pick on this. Debbie Rowe admits here that the kids weren't his and that they had a sham marriage, but how can anyone who's looked at these kids not note that they are 100% caucasian? All the media houses speak freely of his biological kids without ever a question as to their paternity. Why? Aren't these the same guys who insist that Mariah Carrey is 'black'?

Go figure and have an analytical day!

Stranger than Fiction

Stranger than fiction is the story (read it here) of 18 year old Belgian girl called Kimberly who went into a tattoo parlour supposedly for 3 tattoos on the side of her face and came out with 56. There are many elements of this story that lead one to wonder. The single most troubling one to me is how you can wake up in the morning, choose to get a tattoo and go to a guy who looks like this for it:








So the chick who wanted 3 small stars left the parlour looking like this:



The girl supposedly fell asleep while getting them done and the guy just went on and on like the energizer bunny. How do you sleep when getting a tattoo, and especially a tattoo on your face? The guy says he'll pay for half of them to be removed and is happy with the publicity he's recieving.

It's a strange world indeed!

Of slowness and related tardiness

I'm working on the single most boring engagement in my adult life. It's a 50 page document that's so dreary I've been reading it for a whole week, taking it home everyday and I've only gotten half way! How shall I survive?! Anyhoo, I find myself very distractable and thought why not tell a tale!

The other day on my way to work, there was a mat whose dere said they were going to the general vicinity in which I was headed. Being on a road where those mats don't ply, I wondered to myself for about 2 seconds before I jumped in, ready to enjoy the ride. Now this is where I think there must have been something wrong with me. Not at the jumping in part but at riding along jolily staring out the window as we moved from familliar settings to stranger and more deserted roadsides. When I snapped out of my reverie and decided to get off, I was standing a distance from the office in what we shall call 'the middle of nowhere' (makes you think of Eustace and that dog huh? But I digress).

After standing by the road for about 10 minutes I realised that 'tmon' doesn't have many mats and that the few that pass by are packed to the brim and caked with mud in a manner likely to suggest a long journey from beyond the city limits. I decided to call my cab guy only to have him tell me that he was about as far as he could possibly be from 'tmon' and the other one was mteja. Just as I was having a conversation with my God for a clue on what to do, seeing as the clock was a-ticking and I needed to get to work, a mat miraculously stopped infront of me and I managed to plough through the gunias of produce, find a shared seat and get to work - late but at least I made it.

The saddest part of this tale is that I wasn't nursing a hangover or anything ... just being particularly slow (which may explain my problem with the document). Have a faster day please! Shiko thanks for the heads up! :-)

Sweet success

I have spent the last 2 days passively and last 2 hours actively trying to open a bottle of wine. I have a corkscrew but of the type that must have been used in the years BC coz it leaves you to your own devices once you've done the screwing bit. I even went online on tips on what to do. It's one of those nights when a drink sounds so tempting. Let's just say that the solution involved a window and an odd angle!

And there's oh nothing quite like the taste of success ...!

Of Leopards and Tall Tales

I was going through the paper this morning when I came across the story of the leopard. Apparently, there's a leopard that has made Eastlands it's home. It goes about mauling dogs and sheep and leaves the carnage behind.

Some dude coming home at 1am some night apparently came across it in a fight with dogs and must have thought he should quit drinking for its negative effects on one's perception. He got home and called out his wife to verify and she confirmed that it was indeed a wild animal. I don't however know how much weight I want to put on her confirmation. I mean think about it. She was probably seething at her husband's tardiness until around 11pm when she decided to turn in. Then at 1am, she's woken up by her idiot husband probably thinking to herself "we talked about this ... he has a key ..." Then instead of the well rehearsed apology she has heard over and over again, listens to him tell her over the waves of intoxicating fumes he's emitting that he saw a leopard ... I'd be surprised if she didn't just give him a prized glare, turn over and go back to sleep!

But seriously, you may want to reconsider having a late night out in Buru this weekend ...

Of Walks and Poor Energy Planning

So in my new hood I walk a lot. Being a user of public transport, I find that walking some distance saves me the trouble of connecting with 2 mats and gets me to work faster. If I lived anywhere other than a developing 3rd world country, my walk would be considered cool and even helpful to the environment da-di-da. Well too bad coz I live in Kenya and always get quizzical looks from anyone I tell I walk some distance on my way to work (not to mention questioning looks from strangers as I go about my way) *sigh*

Anyhoo, on one of my walks I chanced upon a vehicle that had stalled on an incline and had caused a snarl up behind it. I figured from the look of the guy in the car, that, having sent someone running with a jerrycan, it must have been one of those days when the poor sap just didn't have enough money for fuel and was praying the the sock he had put in would do the job. Well it hadn't. I was feeling sorry for him when I realised it had GK number plates. Surely the government could afford fuel I thought to myself and I strained my head to see what department the vehicle belonged to. It was all I could do to restrain myself from keeling over in gails of laughter when I realized that the car belonged to the Ministry of Energy!!!

Have yourself an entertaining day!

Here today, gone tommorrow

I've very recently been forced to face the trancient nature of life. A couple of days ago, an aquaintance was walking in town going about her business when her phone rang. She chatted with her pal and told her she was planning to do a little shopping before going home. The time was 3pm. It was the day Nakumatt burnt down. No one has heard from her since.

Yesterday some pals dropped me home after a birthday dinner only to be rammed into by a speeding Touareg less than 100 meters from my gate at an intesection. They were in a strong car but it spun and landed on its side stopped from rolling continously on by an unlikely obstruction. The rack will probably be written off. They got away with a few scratches thanks to their belts though the one who hadn't belted up required medical attenton. Questions abound. What if ... what if ...?

This life is not your own.

30

That year has come and gone again. I make the bold move of declaring age and present a poem:


I sit on the edge of the great three – oh
And ask myself how much further to go
‘This can’t be mid-life’ I wonder aloud
‘Got so much more to do to make myself proud’

Can’t say I regret the time that’s gone by
Not sure I’d change much even if allowed to try
For living is in the day as each it passes
And there are many a tomorrow for one and more chances

And yet I feel so young, like it had just begun
A little smiling kid, face turned to the sun
So I guess what’s important is the age you are inside
‘Least that’s what I’ll tell myself as I watch the years glide

Phew ...

Now that looks better don't it! I was finding the page a twinge dark. I really like the way the new blogger has simplified things for we the not-so-tech-savvy. Thanks B. Granted I'm light years behind many of you, but at least I can do something here & there.

If you lke the pic up there, do visit the landscapes link to the side. There are really great pics there.

Cherio.

New Year New Cheer

I've only just realised that I haven't blogged this whole year! No good.

And what a year it's been so far, what with America's bold Obama move. I must say that the results of the american elections have shown, where nothing else probably could, that the american electorate have come of age. America is indeed a country to emulate, a country that has, in a relatively short span, turned almost colour blind. That's something for us in Africa to think about as we go about voting in tribal 'chiefs'.

Congratulations Mr. Obama and may you stand true to the ideals that lead you to the oval office.