Of harshness and e-shouts

So apparently I'm harsh. There's a general consensus on that from all my pals. I'm dubbed 'Digzer the Harsh'. I figure that when a unanimous view is held amongst so many people, there must be pause to think ... Of course they must be wrong. What, me? I'm adorable. And funny. And great company!

Anyhoo, I was shouted down on email and don't really know how to react. When we're having a face to face discussion and voices are raised, I can ask you to relax and lower your tone. WHEN THE SHOUT COMES OUT LIKE THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!??
!!!!!

??

.. it's a little more difficult to react. Does one write back and ask for the release of the shift key? Does one write back in red bold caps? Is it even proper to get e-offended?

Hmm ... Have a lower case day!

Of Incidents & Brakes

So the other day I was driving happily on my way to work with not a care in the world. In fact, traffic was generally light and I was sure I was going to have a good day. I came to an intersection where I had the right of way and noticed the only car that may have tried to cross my path stop to wait for me to go by. I stepped on the gas to get to my destination faster and move out of the waiting car's way.

Someone once told me that when driving in Nairobi, assume that everyone else on the road is mad. I think that not even that assumption would have helped me on that day. From nowhere, a mat decides to overtake the waiting car and make a mad dash for the other side.

I couldn't beleive it. "You can't do that!" I remember screaming in my head. I was shocked. The space was too small for the mat to make it. I slammed down on my brakes... and sat watching helplessly as my car refused to stop.

I can't begin to explain the numerous thoughts that ran through my mind. The only thing that my brain registered was fear. Fear and the question why. Why the hell would the car refuse to stop!?

Not to make more of the story than it actually was, my car's bumper & front side 'kissed' the nissan's back side and we exchanged paint. The mat stopped a little distance away and my car also stopped 15cm away. I checked out the damage and figured I'd live. In reality, I was just too shaken to engage in an argument about who was at fault so I waved the mat off, everyone to take care of their own damage.

In retrospect, this incident was good as it brought out the fact that my car had a problem I hadn't previoously noticed. As food for thought, think twice next time you're about to jump in front of a car while crossing the street or strain to cut another car off on the assumption that it has brakes. You might just end up as surprised as the mat driver!

RIP Moshi & Guards

So I read in yesterday's paper about Denis Omondi whose plan to party with friends ended tragically with his death. On being denied entry to the club which was full, they sought to gain access through an alternative route where they found a small window open. He creeped through, was met by the building's askaris who descended upon him with blows & kicks. His friends were seperated from him but could tell he was in trouble as he was lying motionless in a pool of blood. Their request to the guards to let them take Denis to hospital fell on deaf ears as the guards insisted that they had to wait for the police. It was about 3 hours later that they were allowed to leave with him (as the police went about arresting the guards) and take him to hospital. He died a week later at Nairobi Hospital.

Rewind to a few days ago when I heard Atwoli championing for the rights of guards to be armed. I'm sorry ... Are we talking about the same people? Have we not all had strange brushes with askaris? Should we not all be shouting in solidarity (forever) against the very notion that these guys should be armed? Haven't enough people suffered?

Have a safe day.

Thika Road Expansion Project = Hell!!!

These road works which have been going on since the dinosaurs died (or were beamed to a parallel universe where they have great intellectual discourse) is driving me crazy! First there's the dust. I feel like a miner. Can I get workmen's compensation due to the dust inhalation? (apparently, the tax payer's money that was to be spent on the Ocampo 6 was to be considered under this very broad bracket). It get's so bad that if you stand in one spot for 15 minutes the dust they wash off you would be enough to germinate a seed in!

Then there's the traffic. Jana I was caught up in the black hole previously known as Forest Road for over an hour! And of course, Kenyans being Kenyans had figured out a way of creating 5 lanes that were miraculously meant to funnel into 1! And given that situation, everybody's an expert! "We nani! Rudi nyuma ndiyo tuingie!", "Si usonge mbele? Hii nafasi yote umewachia nani?!" "Kama hujui kuendesha si ungewathca gari home?!"

Then the roads change daily. That you've used one route in the morning is no surety that it will be there in the afternoon. It won't just be closed, it will have been dug out by those big machines. It will be up to you to figure out how to go where it is you were going, even taking a 10km detour to find yourself on the other end of the crater!

And pedestrians are not spared either. Other than the fact that you risk life and limb walking along for lack of a side walk of any kind to speak of, there are other hazards. My friend spent the night at her sister's place in Kasarani. In the morning when she left, she couldn't find a bus stop!

Have an orderly day won't you!!

Of Billboards & a Boob

So the other day on my way home, I was looking at the scenery from my window when I looked up. Lo and behold i realised that I was staring at a breast. Yes you read right; a boob!

It's a billboard advertising a mattress that's meant to be extra comfortable. It sports a couple in bed and the chick (who just so happens to be nearer the camera) has let the sheets slip to slightly above her waist (presumably due to the intensity of the comfort) and there is her boob for all to see. Yes it is clad but it's a breast all the same.

I guess that's progress Kenyan style!

Of Roads and Insight

I think being a Kenyan is very entertaining. Minding my own business listening to the radio on my way to work this morning, I started laughing so hard that other road users were puzzled. And no it was Kingangi & Maina. It was the news.

To give this news segment some background: you all know about the numerous road expansion projects that are underway in the country. You've probably also heard the way a bunch of investor/landowners on Mombasa Road, lead by the Standard Group, are crying foul claiming that the proposed expansion of the road into their property was nothing more than a ploy to frustrate them reading mischief from the government. Their complaint may sound a little far fetched but consider the amounts of money they must have sank into their investments, only for the government to belatedly come and say "nice building and all, but we want that land"!

Anyhoo, what had me in stitches was the comment by Orengo the Lands Mininster. Apparently, according to him, there was indeed some mischief because these guys own large pieces of land and yet chose to construct on the very edge that's nearest the road! According to him, they were the authors of their own misfortune and in fact had been trying to set up the government to look bad.

I hope that one day when the earth has been reduced to smitherins by annoyed Mother Nature and all of humanity wiped out, the intelligent life form that will scavage through the reckage will not come upon that pearl of wisdom and gauge the human intelligence therefrom.

Have a sharp day!!!

The Unstoppable Rush

I'm on leave (yeah don't you wish you were me) so I spent my evening watching the movie "Unstopabble". I must say that it's been a mighty long time since I watched a movie that kept me on the edge of my seat. It's just something else!

Speaking in very broad terms, the movie's about a runnaway train loaded with diesel and highly flamable chemicals that hurtles forth at great speed. The question on everyone's mind is how to stop it and avert the iminent disaster. Enter (the ever good looking) Denzel & Chris Pine; two guys who happen to be there at the right time with an idea. Can it possibly work?

Unfortunately, there is a downside. For all the great acting, there are some characters who should never have been given their parts. Either that or there were some flaws in the script. The perfect example is the kid playing Pine's son. He shows absolutely zero emotion throughout the whole movie save for the absolute end. He is not surprised that his dad's on tele, doesn't wonder why there's a mad rush, isn't startled by the speeding train ... Something wrong here? Why not just used a cardboard cut out? Then there are Denzel's daughters. Instead of being concerned about their dad's well being, they seem to be cheering him to pull stunts that no man of his age (or yours) can pull. Not normal.

Other than that, it's a really great film that I would encourage all to see.

Of Seeing and the Point

So the good news is I have 20:20 vision. My eyes are great! The bad news is I have great eyes with 20:20 vision. Indulge me as I explain:

I recently noticed that I have great trouble driving at night. The glares from the other cars going in the opposite direction make me slow down to a crawl as I wait for them to pass. (And if you’re the wise guy who drives with full lights, I do hope that you make enough money to buy your own private island where that’s OK …) I figured that short of tinting my windshield, which I learnt was against the law, I have the option of getting spects that would not only sort out the lights by night they’d also help me deal with the sun by day. Great! I happily went to the optician who told me that they had just what I was looking for, complete with the local or imported variety depending on the depth of my pocket.

“Oh, I have insurance,” I said in a very self assured tone. I thank God that I have very few medical needs so I don’t often make use of my employer’s medical cover.

“You do?” the attendant asked seeming a little concerned. “Who is your insurer?”

“Company X,” I say beginning to get bored with the conversation and eager to try on the exciting looking frames.

“Ah,” he says in a deflated tone.

“What’s the problem?” I ask, my interest reignited.

“Well, you see, X will only pay for the lenses if you have a prescription. We did the eye test and your eyes are fine, so you’d need to consider alternative means of footing the bill.” He explained. I could tell that this was an explanation he’d given out many times before.

What annoys me is the fact that if I keep driving as I am, I will either ruin my eyes (at which point the insurance will gladly step in) or cause a grisly accident costing the insurer so much more. Is that reasoning not flawed? Am I the only one that sees a problem?

So here I am forced to fork out money for what my employer has ideally already paid for. Great!

Have a fair January!

The Close of 2010

Belated season's greetings & wishing you the best in 2011.

I for one cannot tell you how happy I am to see the end of December. Explanation: my pal, a winter bunny, was around after having been out of the country for more than a decade. We took it upon ourselves to show her the Nairobi night life. Heh! Kenyans can really party! We did the bend-overs the Jazzes (Tuesday & Sunday) the Kidums (though he was a no show) and just about everything else save Monday Reggea as we did need a day of rest. I got home on many a 6am's and can now confidently say I'm too old for this shit (refer to one of the episodes of How I Met Your Mother - season 4).

My short term (and perhaps circumstantial) resolution for the new year is not to spend a shilling on alcohol in January ...