My Tumultuous Weekend

In a bid to entertain, let me tell you about my weekend.

It starts on Friday night when I have plans to go for a friends housewarming after a little do for my bro's birthday. Another pal offers to give me a ride as she'd also be headed there at the same time. We agree that I'm to call her at about 10pm. So the do ends early and I hung around town until 10pm and call. Where is she you wonder? She's gone! Just gone! Forgot all about me, whose been hanging out late specifically just to meet her. (Choice words censored here).

OK fine. I call the housewarmee who says that I can always grab a mat and notes that I'd be fine if I chuck at the right stop. So it's westlands and I've been aware that the bus stop was moved although I'm not too sure where to. I jump into a mat and for some reason just can't get myself to ask the tout where I should alight. I ride on and on and when I realise I must be on my way to Kangemi, I ask to be shukishwad. Everyone in the mat gives me a funny look and I only realize why when I'm out. It's the dark of night and I'm in the middle of nowhere. It's drizzling and vehicles are whizzing past me. I tell you Mary must have been surprised at all the Hail Mary's that went up to her that day. But she was very good to me and I got to a safe place from where my buddies picked me.

Saturday afternoon. For one, my phone is almost picked from my pocket while travelling in a mat. A non-descript ka-jamaa sat next to me and I only noticed something was amiss when I felt something move in my pocket. His hands were crossed and you would never have guessed what he was up to. Maybe with a bit more practice he'll be so good at it that he'll open up his own Mobile Phone outlet.

Saturday night. I go out for a bash that was rather delightful with a bunch of my pals. We hung out together until the wee hours of morn and then THEY ALL LEAVE ME IN K1 WITHOUT MY PHONE, MY KEYS OR MY BAG! The dude in whose car I'd left my stuff (still tormented by my near loss of phone) up and left without a goodbye and put off his phone. That was OK since we were still a number. But come the end of the night, they ALL forgot me. There were 2 separate means, a car and a cab. I had gone to find out how much the cab guy would charge us and when I came back there was no one. Apparently each car thought I'd gone with the other. (Choice words censored again).

After taking in the shock and thinking at least I have some money in my pocket, I go back to the cabs to find them all gone!!! Wallowing in self pity I go to Pitchers where the waitresses warily ask "Madam ukonashida?" And they ask huko from a distance lest I start off on a tirade of litanies describing all that's wrong with the world and force them to be there for the next shift. And at the time I'm asking myself even if I get a cab, where the hell am I going without keys.

Well I somehow manage to get home

Sunday. I spend the day in bed where 'friends' can't get to me!

Author's ego his downfall

Now this should just knock your socks off! Ati some ka-polish guy, an author no less got jealous after learning that his wife had had a lover. So what does he do? He schemes and plots on his revenge and lets the details simmer in his mind for a while. The poor lover-man is tortured, starved and finally killed and his lifeless body is fished out of a river by the baffled police who find no leads.

Perfect crime no? Perhaps it would have been ... had the author not thought of turning his crime into a book! Yeap! He puts the gorry details of the crime and packages it into no less than a bestselling book. So one day, some bored cop retires home after a hard day's work to relax with his family with a glass of wine and a book. Yes, you guessed it. He puts two and two together and the author is arressted and tried for the murder. The author is Krystian Bala and the book is titled 'Amok'.

I kid you not. Check this out.

Ms. Knowles

Doesn't super sexy and fabulous Beyonce look like your average Njeri in this picture? Go on ladies, admit it. When I saw the picture I was first drawn to it coz she looked just like my primo maths teacher. Glad to know the stars aren't always sparkling!

Waiters

The other day, one of the local television stations did a piece on snoozing watchmen (didn’t you just feel sorry for all of those poor souls who addressed the cameras without knowing that they would soon be sacked for their errant ways?)

Well I got to thinking about the service sector and thought that a piece should certainly be done on waiters. I seriously believe that there should be a special school where all in the service industry should go before being set free on the unsuspecting public. (You can even throw in a 'bar' exam of sorts ...) And they should have some form of Hippocratic oath before graduating to serve to the best of their ability … and do no harm to mankind.

I have many a war tale on my sufferings at the hands of waiters. Why only yesterday I was at one of these famous South African outlets where I ordered a meal and a soda. Lo and behold I got a humongous ½ liter bottle of soda whereas I wanted the smaller one and worst of all, it came open. I mean really! In this day and age, who serves drinks which are not open in font of the clientele. Think dirt, germs, drugs, spit, detergent? Anything could find its way in leaving you in great difficulty when trying to explain to the doctor what exactly it was you ate that caused your food poisoning. So I tell the lady waitress that I would prefer to see the soda open before me. At first she plays a nearly convincing impression of a deaf mute as she busily engages in serving my counterparts. When I repeat and insist, she lethargically rolls her eyes (why roll your eyes if your going to do so lethargically? Won’t the meaning being conveyed by the gesture be lost?) and says “Hivyo ndiyo tunafanya huku.” No apology. No explanation. Nothing. And the woman moves away. End of story.

Later on while unwinding from work, I go to a joint known for its simple setting along Mombasa Road. The place is kicking and it’s all we can do at first to get a seat. We manage and order one round of drinks. It’s Karaoke night and it’s going fairly well. So the Waitress comes (I don’t know why they’re always female) and takes our orders. Even before I realize that there’s someone there to take our orders, I notice her plaintiff voice rising above the sound of the music when in answer to my friends question on whether they have a certain drink. She's shrieking and saying that we need to give her one single payment for all the drinks as the barman won’t give her change for separate payments.

Pause. Consider:
a) If we didn’t know each other, would she ask us to put our heads together and come up with a single payment?
b) What does the mode/amount of payment have to do with whether or not the drink my friend wants is in stock?
c) Why the shrieking?

Whereas we were in a sociable mood, we provide a solution to her change problem by only giving her one note and would you know it, the $!&<# waitress decides that the change is her tip. Whereas we had not received service worth tipping for, and do not believe that waiters (or any one else for that matter) should unilaterally pick what they want from your money, we call her and ask for the balance. She moves off to get it but never comes back. We have to track her down and ask her again, at which point she puts on a baffled expression and swears amicably that she'd forgotten. Well at least this time she returns with the money. Ooiie!

And I can’t sign this off without mention of the personal hell I’ve been treated to by these people called waiters. I drink hot milk (bite me) and hot water on occasion (not together though ... that would just be tea devoid of tea bags!). I have watched the drink brought in tall glasses (more times than I care to count) , so hot that the waiter carries it on a saucer. If you can’t hold it neither can I. And no I will not just wait for it to cool ... it won't be hot anymore. Just put it in a %*<$!+@ cup!

I’d like to see a few of these guys giving TV commentaries on why they’re so bad at their jobs and then go the way of the now unemployed watchmen after their 15 minutes.

Tremors

Isn't Kenya just the the place to be? So there were tremors and all and sudry were eager to air their tremor experiences. A chick on telly was so shaken (pardon the pun) that she could barely speak and claimed to have been traumatized. I think it's the first time ever in Kenya's history that the government was not blamed for the goings on ... oh then again, that's not true. There were calls for the Government to pull up it's socks in disaster preparedness.

Then the funniest part, (though I'm sure that those who suffered would not consider it funny) was when on the night of 16.07.2007, a text message warning of a huge impending earthquake made the rounds. People were woken up from their houses by watchmen and told to move out of their homes for their own safety. Family and friends called each other and warned of the impedeing danger. People moved in their vehicles covered in blankets to petrol stations where they sought safety (why anyone would consider a petrol station safe is beyond me). They left at 3:00 am and got tired of waiting for disaster at about 6:00 am. The Government Spokesman (who no one likes) got all worked up since the rumour said that the source of the information was the American Embassy. He was hurt that Kenyans are so willing to beleive a mzungu because of their mzungu status. In their defence I think it's cause the US had said (conveniently after the fact) that it had known that The Tsunami (the big one) would occur.

So there was a tremor today, tommorrow, the day after, and soon it became routine to the point of being boring. Those ones of 'Oh, it's 5:30, kwani leo hakuna tremor' or 'You felt that tremor?' 'Yeah.' end of story. But you have to be entertained in a country where the president's response to a tremor is 'Mtu ameskia nini? Ni kama kunateleza? Msijaliiiiiii. Mnajua hivyo ndio dunia iko siku hizi'!!

friggatriskaidekaphobia

Would you beleive that the above is an actual word! And what does it mean? The irrational fear of Friday the 13th (and I don't mean the movie!). See http://skepdic.com/friggatriskaidekaphobia.html if you don't beleive me.

Have a good one!

New phone

Me's got a new phone! Me's got a new phone! Me's got a new phone!! Shnazzy huh? I'm really really liking it! Granted it's only a few hours old but it's great.

I learnt to do the warranty thing to learn about the phone. If you're the proud owner of a Nokia, press

*#92702689# (ie *#war0anty#)

and you'll learn the serial number, year of manufacture etc, etc. Comes in handy when you think you're buying a new phone only to realise it's got huko 3 hours talk time already spent.

This phone has the most beautiful sound ever (stereo). My buddy says the wezi's did me a favour taking my ex-phone ... now I'm not so sure I don't agree with her.

About the weather

So when I was getting dressed, there were signs of a beautiful day in the making. And after the weekend's bursts of sun, I had no reason to doubt. So I'm in a short skirt and have come to Thika where it's not only cold but raining! Joy.

My Phone Gone

So my phone was stolen this weekend while at Psys. It was Saturday night and I was having a ball with a number of pals when somebody came up with the bright idea of forming a mugithi train (well at the time I thought it was bright). Always one for a little fun I joined in and all was great until I put my hand over the pocket of my jeans and realized that my phone was no longer there. I immedeatly knew that it was the guy behind me who had picked my pocket and I told him as such. He put on a long suffering face and accused me of having lost my marbles. I would have none of that. I roughed him into the loo and searched him (in the presence of 2 of my buddies (who would later say that I was last seen scuffling with some jamaa in the loos!!!)) but didn't find it. We called it and it wasn't on mteja yet. So I dashed out of the loo hoping to hear it ringing through the loud banter and music but tht was not to be.

So the thief guy comes after me saying something or other while waving his hands and then leaves. I was still not satisfied because I KNEW that the guy had stolen my phone. So I follow him out and see him put something in a car that drives off. I pretend to see the license plate number and nod while pointing at him as if to say 'I got you now'. I'm not too sure if I fooled him though coz I'd really have needed bionic vision to have been able to see that far. So he comes towards me daring me to bring it on & I go for back up.

The back up comes and I get all over his face telling him that he's a thief and that I'm taking him straight to the cops. And I mean all over his face with barely a centimeter between our noses. And lo and behold a crowd of about 10 not-so-nice looking guys materializes and they ask what we want with their boy. Being hyper-active (what with the pynts in the system and the safe knowledge I have back-up) I shout at them telling them the way their boy is a no-good-thief who were taking to the cops and blah-blah-blah. Luckily, part of my back-up notices that these guys look like they mean business and tells us to back off (I can't remember if I needed restraining) and the guys just walk away. As they leave I notice that one was holding the back of his pants like he might have had a gun and I quickly think 'He! My phone wasn't that expensive! If you want it that bad, you can certainly have it!'

So here I am phoneless. The story wouldn't be complete without my noting that I was in the club for a further 3 hours in the least and I got the DJ to play my choice of music by explaining to him that my phone had been stolen ... Making the best of a bad situation?

FA Cup Finals

So the FA Final's today. My team (Arsenal) is out so I don't really know who to cheer. As I'm not a hater, I think I'll cheer Chelsea since I don't think they've ever won... At least I can always run back & delete this post if things don't go my way! The virtues of technology!

Just A Thought - First Step

What do I hope to offer you that you haven’t been exposed to at least half a dozen times a day for a long, long time? What great new finding or idea do I propose to bring to the table? Well to be honest, none. I don’t believe myself a great thinker like the Socrates and Newton’s of this world. Then again in all fairness to those who lived in their time, there may well have been those who thought up the same philosophies and scientific notions before them but just never thought of putting them down on paper. And maybe that’s where we all go wrong. To have great thoughts and not act on them. It’s kind of like telling God “Thanks but no thanks. I don’t really want to be walking from place to place since I have a car, so you just take these legs and give them to someone else.” The fallacy of it all. And yet how often do we do exactly that.

Well excuse me you non-religious types. My reference to God was not meant to make of this piece Christian writing so just wait a minute before you turn elsewhere saying that this doesn’t concern you. (That’s another thing we all tend to do. Cluster ourselves into groupings where we feel safe and look for faults in those who don’t conform. I think the manifestation of this trait is directly proportional to the strength of one’s beliefs).

But I digress. Eager to use myself as an example, I point out that it’s taken me more than 4 years to write this simple piece. I don’t know how long it will take me to seek to get it published (but that’s a story for another day). 4 years is a mighty long time. And they say that if you don’t use it you lose it. How many of my brain cells, initially geared towards writing, have since died and been used to produce hair (which has since fallen off due to the numerous procedures I’ve tried on my head). How much more captivating (the assumption here is that it’s captivating at all) would this article have been, if I had done it when I first got the thought?

I am also eager to share the blame here since I’m sure I’m not alone. How many of the projects you wished to undertake have since become white elephants with truck loads (OK. Let’s stick to big-bag-full) of money pumped in, followed by a loss of interest or lack of zeal to see it through. How many great ideas have you had but let pass away as they’d have entailed too much work? It does not matter that the work involved sourcing for funds and you sat back pitying yourself for being poor Think about it. As for me, I’ve taken my first step.

Indonesia

Every once in a while I sit down and wonder: what did the Indonesians do to God? I don't mean this in an anti-christian (... or anti-indonesian for that matter) kind of way but ... really. This question on the collection of islands making up the country first dawned on me when in December 2004 (yes it was that far back) the famous Tsunami (which educated many of us on the existance of such phenomena) hit. It was truly heart wrenching to watch events unfold and tally the deaths as they were reported. Whereas many countries were affected, Indonesia was hardest hit.

That would probably have been enough basis for my question above, but wait there's more. In 2005, 2 earthquakes and a further tsunami hit the country causing untold suffering. In December 2006 there's a Boeing 737 plane that went missing, 2 ferrys sank and now, there are floods displacing hundreds of people. Keep these guys in your prayers.

Of Suspicions & Unworthy Lives

So they've gone & done it again! Forgive me but what the hell is wrong with the US? I'm ranting about the military intervention in Somali. What is wrong with these people? Does super power = super bully?

Not following my aruments huh? Where I come from is here. When I was much younger & watching CNN I heard about the US intervention in Iraq (Dessert storm) and heard countless stories of successful raids where a 'minimal' number of civilian casualties were reported (more often than not, the States claimed that the local reports on civillian death tolls were fabricated and over - exaggerated.) Then there was some strike in Afghanistan aimed at some Taliban/Al Quaeda base which instead hit some pharmacy. Even then, brave military faces stated that the attack had gone exactly as planned even though a 'few' civillians had died in the attack. This was when it first came to me that the reports were not totally honest and that the Americans did not have a great deal of respect for foreigners' lives.

So now they go to Somalia and through air missiles bomb some target where, hoorah, a suspected leader of an Al Quaeda Cell (suspected of masterminding the terrorist bombings in Kenya and Tanzania) is suspectedly killed. Please!!! And what was the price paid for this speculation? A 'few' civillian casualties; minimal price to pay for the 'possible' destruction of terrorists.

And they wonder why the war against terror is not being won? Wake up! I'd hate for the States to one day 'suspect' that my neighbour's a terrorist. It may lead to the total annihilation of my town. See what happened in Iraq over the suspected WMD's? I rest my case.

December

It's not my fault and no it's not yours either. No one can blame you. It's just the holidays. From the beginning of this month my mind has slowly been slipping into NO WORK gear. I get to work late and leave early without having all too much to show for the time in between. I blame it on
1) my employer who was so indescrete as to let it leak that we're closing the office on the 15th of Dec(Yipppeee!!) and on
2) my workmates who are always eager to go off for a drink.
Seriously, I think I deserve a medal for coming in at all!

I think in Kenya it hails from the long tradition that has been Fridays. The mind goes on autopilot at about 10am and most systems shut down at 12pm. If however you only work half-day (lucky &@#}/!) this process begins much earlier. So in this month, the overpowering feeling of lethargy slowly begins to consume you when you first sign a letter dated December and notice the ever increasing number of beer adverts and promotions.

Don't fight it ... just go with the flow!!!

Liftiquette

We all do it. All we city/town dwellers use elevators. It may be by necessity or sheer interest but its there. I, who use the contraption daily, have had to force my jaw shut and swallow many a not-so-friendly comment in my wake. Having been pushed, shoved and even propositioned to in a lift, I stopped and thought ‘Wait! This must end! Let’s lay down the law here!”. So here, in self-emancipation from my tormented journeys in lifts, I present to you my little list of Do’s & Don’ts for all lift users.

1. Thou shall not spoil the air/pass wind/fart
You don’t do it while your boss has called you into his office possibly to promote you. If catholic, you don’t do it in the confessional. This shows that those muscles in the nether region work. A good clench at the backside accompanied by careful body positioning will ensure that it doesn’t rip free to suffocate the unsuspecting and un-gas-mask-wielding mob locked with you within those tiny confines.

2. Thou shall give space to those exiting before moving in
It is not brain science. Until those people who are in, come out, there’ll be no space to move in to. It does not matter how much of a hurry you may be in. It doesn’t even matter that you are an important personality. Really. Stand back, let them out, and then go in.

3. Thou shall be considerate of others
You walk onto the ground floor, hear the bell announcing the arrival of an elevator, and immediately set off into an elbow-to-chest and foot-to-foot scramble to get in first, that would make any rugby coach proud. The people you found there were not on an educational tour organized by Otis Elevators to admire the wonderful opening and shutting mechanisms of the lift doors. Behave yourself.

4. Thou shall not push others in order to select a floor
So due to the matters raised in 2 and/or 3 above, you were the first person in and were pushed off to a remote corner. You now realize that you have to indicate where you wish to alight and the controls are at the front. Stop for a minute and consider. Is it really necessary for you bully and batter those around you to get to the front? You’d be surprised to learn that Kenyans are actually quite friendly people. If you just say “3 please,” audibly enough, your assured of a response.

5. Thou shall only push your way out as a last resort
This is closely linked to 4 above. A simple “Excuse me please” will generally have people making room for you to pass. Of course there are those die-hard characters who think that being polite is a preserve for those of Tanzanian decent, and feel no need to oblige. Try tapping this type on the shoulder and repeating the request. Where all else fails, the pushing and shoving will get you out!

6. Thou shall not engage in unwelcome romantic banter with strangers
Really, it’s happened to me. This guy decides I look like good wife material and tries to extract as much information from me as he can in the overly packed and otherwise quiet cubicle. The level of my embarrassment is indescribable. Not everyone is chatty-chatty in small spaces and very few people want to bear their souls (or listen to souls being borne to them for that matter) in a lift. Do us all a favour and find another way into the dating scene.

Poem - Discord

The weather very aptly describing how I feel
The rain pouring down, oblivious to all appeal
The silence quite deafening, the discord loud
And all this happening without a single sound

The distance, quite great, though invisible in fact
With all conversation cleverly aimed to distract
From the matter at hand, the longing to be one
So much to say but all left undone

How long will it last? What will it take?
When will they both realize what’s at stake?
Will everything be lost and the house of cards come down?
Will they become a memory in each other’s crown?

Politics Lollisticks!

COMMENTARY – POLITICS AND YOUR HEALTH

Does the countries political landscape ever make you sit back and wonder why you are Kenyan? Why you couldn’t have been born into some low key country where during elections you agonize over the wide array of amazing candidates full of potential who are willing to serve as opposed to such consideration as tribe, oranges and bananas or even pay? Well you’d be hard pressed to find such a country. Even the supposedly developed world suffers from the evil that is politics with leaders such as Tony Blair refusing to let go of power even though the writing’s on the wall and ex-leaders such as Bill Clinton pointing an accusing finger at George W. Bush’s administration for not doing enough to try and ‘kill him’. (Aside: I find it morally reprehensible for any non-extremist leader to stand up and say that they tried all they could to kill X, Y or Z. Really what message does that send to the children? If he’s bad enough kill him? No wonder there are terrorist students in American and other schools who go around shooting their classmates because their parents forced them to do their homework. And no they are neither called Ali nor Fatuma!)

The point is that politics is all about power. It’s a game where only the shrewdest survive. Hence all the alliances and bickering. You might sit in at a rally (or follow the same from the comfort of your home) and get all worked up against the speakers ‘Foe’. You might gnash your teeth with disgust at what the ‘Foe’ is meant to have done and even call for his immediate arrest/dismissal/deportation. Unbeknown to you, immediately after the rally, the speaker may be headed for a meeting with the supposed Foe for a drink.

“You really got me there,” Foe would laugh. “We’re hitting below the belt now are we? Watch out for the news tomorrow!”

“Oh dear friend,” Speaker would laugh. “You know how it is! I’ll just have to think up a scandal to counter yours!”

(Protracted laughter)

“So anyway, how is Mama Toto? You guys should really come over for tea sometime. It’s been really long …”

And there you are at your local burning with indignation at ‘Foe’s’ evil deeds. Getting ready to take part in a mass demonstration against Foe to achieve some purpose or other. Take a leaf from my book; don’t sweat the political small stuff. Refuse to be used as a pawn in anyone’s political mileage. You may die of an ulcer while the politicians continue acting their soap and earning their pay.

Bad day

What's the remedy to a bad day?

Ja Rule in the Country

So yesterday, as I was minding my own business on my way home, we chance upon a motorcade of Celtel vehicles & wonder what the hell? When we fika outside Hilton we find mob guys just chilling & that's when it hit us: Ja Rule. So with the rest of the curios Kenyans we hang out waiting for him to chuck. The man has a bodyguard the size of KICC. He just dwarfed these Kenyan pumped guys sent on the scene.

We wait around as they make their arrangements ... and finally he gets out of the car. I suck in a mouthful of air ready to scream and applaud but luckily hold myself back. Why you ask? There's an akward silence as the celebrity and crowd size each other up for a milisecond. Then the moment is lost as he dashes into the hotel. You should have heard the comments "yaani ni mfupi hivo?", "hiyo tu?", "hata mi nimlight kumliko!" I laughed all the way home. Kenyans will be Kenyans.

Test

This is some sort of trial. I've been unable to write anything here for sometime. Don't really know if it was Blogger or my terrbile internet connection. Well let's see.