Liftiquette

We all do it. All we city/town dwellers use elevators. It may be by necessity or sheer interest but its there. I, who use the contraption daily, have had to force my jaw shut and swallow many a not-so-friendly comment in my wake. Having been pushed, shoved and even propositioned to in a lift, I stopped and thought ‘Wait! This must end! Let’s lay down the law here!”. So here, in self-emancipation from my tormented journeys in lifts, I present to you my little list of Do’s & Don’ts for all lift users.

1. Thou shall not spoil the air/pass wind/fart
You don’t do it while your boss has called you into his office possibly to promote you. If catholic, you don’t do it in the confessional. This shows that those muscles in the nether region work. A good clench at the backside accompanied by careful body positioning will ensure that it doesn’t rip free to suffocate the unsuspecting and un-gas-mask-wielding mob locked with you within those tiny confines.

2. Thou shall give space to those exiting before moving in
It is not brain science. Until those people who are in, come out, there’ll be no space to move in to. It does not matter how much of a hurry you may be in. It doesn’t even matter that you are an important personality. Really. Stand back, let them out, and then go in.

3. Thou shall be considerate of others
You walk onto the ground floor, hear the bell announcing the arrival of an elevator, and immediately set off into an elbow-to-chest and foot-to-foot scramble to get in first, that would make any rugby coach proud. The people you found there were not on an educational tour organized by Otis Elevators to admire the wonderful opening and shutting mechanisms of the lift doors. Behave yourself.

4. Thou shall not push others in order to select a floor
So due to the matters raised in 2 and/or 3 above, you were the first person in and were pushed off to a remote corner. You now realize that you have to indicate where you wish to alight and the controls are at the front. Stop for a minute and consider. Is it really necessary for you bully and batter those around you to get to the front? You’d be surprised to learn that Kenyans are actually quite friendly people. If you just say “3 please,” audibly enough, your assured of a response.

5. Thou shall only push your way out as a last resort
This is closely linked to 4 above. A simple “Excuse me please” will generally have people making room for you to pass. Of course there are those die-hard characters who think that being polite is a preserve for those of Tanzanian decent, and feel no need to oblige. Try tapping this type on the shoulder and repeating the request. Where all else fails, the pushing and shoving will get you out!

6. Thou shall not engage in unwelcome romantic banter with strangers
Really, it’s happened to me. This guy decides I look like good wife material and tries to extract as much information from me as he can in the overly packed and otherwise quiet cubicle. The level of my embarrassment is indescribable. Not everyone is chatty-chatty in small spaces and very few people want to bear their souls (or listen to souls being borne to them for that matter) in a lift. Do us all a favour and find another way into the dating scene.