December

It's not my fault and no it's not yours either. No one can blame you. It's just the holidays. From the beginning of this month my mind has slowly been slipping into NO WORK gear. I get to work late and leave early without having all too much to show for the time in between. I blame it on
1) my employer who was so indescrete as to let it leak that we're closing the office on the 15th of Dec(Yipppeee!!) and on
2) my workmates who are always eager to go off for a drink.
Seriously, I think I deserve a medal for coming in at all!

I think in Kenya it hails from the long tradition that has been Fridays. The mind goes on autopilot at about 10am and most systems shut down at 12pm. If however you only work half-day (lucky &@#}/!) this process begins much earlier. So in this month, the overpowering feeling of lethargy slowly begins to consume you when you first sign a letter dated December and notice the ever increasing number of beer adverts and promotions.

Don't fight it ... just go with the flow!!!

Liftiquette

We all do it. All we city/town dwellers use elevators. It may be by necessity or sheer interest but its there. I, who use the contraption daily, have had to force my jaw shut and swallow many a not-so-friendly comment in my wake. Having been pushed, shoved and even propositioned to in a lift, I stopped and thought ‘Wait! This must end! Let’s lay down the law here!”. So here, in self-emancipation from my tormented journeys in lifts, I present to you my little list of Do’s & Don’ts for all lift users.

1. Thou shall not spoil the air/pass wind/fart
You don’t do it while your boss has called you into his office possibly to promote you. If catholic, you don’t do it in the confessional. This shows that those muscles in the nether region work. A good clench at the backside accompanied by careful body positioning will ensure that it doesn’t rip free to suffocate the unsuspecting and un-gas-mask-wielding mob locked with you within those tiny confines.

2. Thou shall give space to those exiting before moving in
It is not brain science. Until those people who are in, come out, there’ll be no space to move in to. It does not matter how much of a hurry you may be in. It doesn’t even matter that you are an important personality. Really. Stand back, let them out, and then go in.

3. Thou shall be considerate of others
You walk onto the ground floor, hear the bell announcing the arrival of an elevator, and immediately set off into an elbow-to-chest and foot-to-foot scramble to get in first, that would make any rugby coach proud. The people you found there were not on an educational tour organized by Otis Elevators to admire the wonderful opening and shutting mechanisms of the lift doors. Behave yourself.

4. Thou shall not push others in order to select a floor
So due to the matters raised in 2 and/or 3 above, you were the first person in and were pushed off to a remote corner. You now realize that you have to indicate where you wish to alight and the controls are at the front. Stop for a minute and consider. Is it really necessary for you bully and batter those around you to get to the front? You’d be surprised to learn that Kenyans are actually quite friendly people. If you just say “3 please,” audibly enough, your assured of a response.

5. Thou shall only push your way out as a last resort
This is closely linked to 4 above. A simple “Excuse me please” will generally have people making room for you to pass. Of course there are those die-hard characters who think that being polite is a preserve for those of Tanzanian decent, and feel no need to oblige. Try tapping this type on the shoulder and repeating the request. Where all else fails, the pushing and shoving will get you out!

6. Thou shall not engage in unwelcome romantic banter with strangers
Really, it’s happened to me. This guy decides I look like good wife material and tries to extract as much information from me as he can in the overly packed and otherwise quiet cubicle. The level of my embarrassment is indescribable. Not everyone is chatty-chatty in small spaces and very few people want to bear their souls (or listen to souls being borne to them for that matter) in a lift. Do us all a favour and find another way into the dating scene.

Poem - Discord

The weather very aptly describing how I feel
The rain pouring down, oblivious to all appeal
The silence quite deafening, the discord loud
And all this happening without a single sound

The distance, quite great, though invisible in fact
With all conversation cleverly aimed to distract
From the matter at hand, the longing to be one
So much to say but all left undone

How long will it last? What will it take?
When will they both realize what’s at stake?
Will everything be lost and the house of cards come down?
Will they become a memory in each other’s crown?

Politics Lollisticks!

COMMENTARY – POLITICS AND YOUR HEALTH

Does the countries political landscape ever make you sit back and wonder why you are Kenyan? Why you couldn’t have been born into some low key country where during elections you agonize over the wide array of amazing candidates full of potential who are willing to serve as opposed to such consideration as tribe, oranges and bananas or even pay? Well you’d be hard pressed to find such a country. Even the supposedly developed world suffers from the evil that is politics with leaders such as Tony Blair refusing to let go of power even though the writing’s on the wall and ex-leaders such as Bill Clinton pointing an accusing finger at George W. Bush’s administration for not doing enough to try and ‘kill him’. (Aside: I find it morally reprehensible for any non-extremist leader to stand up and say that they tried all they could to kill X, Y or Z. Really what message does that send to the children? If he’s bad enough kill him? No wonder there are terrorist students in American and other schools who go around shooting their classmates because their parents forced them to do their homework. And no they are neither called Ali nor Fatuma!)

The point is that politics is all about power. It’s a game where only the shrewdest survive. Hence all the alliances and bickering. You might sit in at a rally (or follow the same from the comfort of your home) and get all worked up against the speakers ‘Foe’. You might gnash your teeth with disgust at what the ‘Foe’ is meant to have done and even call for his immediate arrest/dismissal/deportation. Unbeknown to you, immediately after the rally, the speaker may be headed for a meeting with the supposed Foe for a drink.

“You really got me there,” Foe would laugh. “We’re hitting below the belt now are we? Watch out for the news tomorrow!”

“Oh dear friend,” Speaker would laugh. “You know how it is! I’ll just have to think up a scandal to counter yours!”

(Protracted laughter)

“So anyway, how is Mama Toto? You guys should really come over for tea sometime. It’s been really long …”

And there you are at your local burning with indignation at ‘Foe’s’ evil deeds. Getting ready to take part in a mass demonstration against Foe to achieve some purpose or other. Take a leaf from my book; don’t sweat the political small stuff. Refuse to be used as a pawn in anyone’s political mileage. You may die of an ulcer while the politicians continue acting their soap and earning their pay.

Bad day

What's the remedy to a bad day?

Ja Rule in the Country

So yesterday, as I was minding my own business on my way home, we chance upon a motorcade of Celtel vehicles & wonder what the hell? When we fika outside Hilton we find mob guys just chilling & that's when it hit us: Ja Rule. So with the rest of the curios Kenyans we hang out waiting for him to chuck. The man has a bodyguard the size of KICC. He just dwarfed these Kenyan pumped guys sent on the scene.

We wait around as they make their arrangements ... and finally he gets out of the car. I suck in a mouthful of air ready to scream and applaud but luckily hold myself back. Why you ask? There's an akward silence as the celebrity and crowd size each other up for a milisecond. Then the moment is lost as he dashes into the hotel. You should have heard the comments "yaani ni mfupi hivo?", "hiyo tu?", "hata mi nimlight kumliko!" I laughed all the way home. Kenyans will be Kenyans.

Test

This is some sort of trial. I've been unable to write anything here for sometime. Don't really know if it was Blogger or my terrbile internet connection. Well let's see.

Fat Cats

So now MP's hike their pay YET AGAIN. Whatever guise they give it, more money is just more money. But why should they lower their heads in shame? It's not money from their pockets. No sweat off their backs. They must go to their exlusive retreat spots and just laugh themselves silly. It's the easiest way to make money. Who needs Anglo-leasing when you can do things in a legitimate fashion.

Just try to remember all this the next time you're in a voting booth.

Attack on the Standard Group

Shock. Total and complete shock. That describes my reaction to today's going's on. A raid has been carried out at the Standard Newspaper and KTN-TV offices. And the worst part is that the raid was reportedly carried out by detectives from the Nairobi Provincial CID Headqarters. Should this be true, we would clearly be going back to such barbaric times as the days of the guillotine.

Should the raid have been carried out by another group, the situation would still be dark as attacks on the media are a stab at democracy.

Let us watch the story unfold.

January Tragedy

Today let’s consider the men and women who perished or were injured in the building that collapsed on 23.01.2006 in Nairobi. No really, just stop and think. Think of how it must feel like to be submerged in a thick layer of dust in the darkness not knowing whether anyone is coming to get you. Not able to tell how long you’ve been lying there or where exactly it hurts since you’re just awash with pain. Imagine floating in and out of consciousness with only the thought of your family to hold on to. Let’s give these brave people a face in our mind’s eye so that they don’t just become statistics.

We can’t think of the tragedy without giving big ups to the rescue workers who have been working non-stop to try and save lives. Special consideration is given to the Israelis who have come to assist us, again when we so desperately need their know how. Thanks.

We probably shouldn’t wait for the next building to collapse before we figure out how to tackle the situation.

If you live in Kenya today, you will slowly become aware of a new National Policy that is being effected in a slow calculating manner aimed at slowly infiltrating society. It's a move to stop Kenyans from drinking.

Think about it. It started with these 'kumi kumi' dens and we were all agreeable after watching tens of people die and go blind around the country. We applauded the police's effort to net the brewers and find their poisonous stock.

Next came a ban aimed at removing advertisements of alcoholic drinks within school vicinities. Again we didn't think much of it. A little harsh maybe, but hey we don't want our young ones influenced by alcohol. No. Let them study. Fine.

The next step wasn't as painless to many. It was the regulation that all alcoholic beverages must be sold in quantities of not less than 205 ml. With this saw the end of the famous sachets that had served many. People became disgruntled and complaints were heard from all corners. Another lot of people were totally unaffected by the move as they were used to the larger quantities anyway or were beer guzzlers.

So imagine their shock at the next blow! (Pardon the pun). The breathalyser (Alcoblow) comes to town. Now you hear the masses jumping up & down declaring the contraption illegal, an infringement of privacy, unconstitutional, useless and downright evil. Of course the non-driving crowd are somewhat un-affected. Or are they? A look at the Traffic Rules indicates that it is an offence to enter a public service vehicle while intoxicated. Where does that leave you? Can’t drive home, can’t take a cab. Local? Think again!

It’s now been stated that bars in residential areas won’t get permits. Can you say ‘bye bye local’?

My suggestions are:
a) drink in the house.
b) drink tea.

Affirmative Action

So what's the deal with affirmative action? Why does its very mention get bees stuck up people's bonnets?

Case in point: The other day I was having a discussion with a few friends about women Ministers in Tanzania. One was applauding President Jakaya Kikwete for including all of 5 women Ministers in his new Cabinet. I quickly argued that 5 out of the 94 Women Members of Parliament was hardly a cause for celebration. That's where the big debate on affirmative action came up with some contorting their faces in disgust at the whole concept.

I mean really! Think about it. You’re born in some poverty stricken semi-arid area. You trek long distances to school in the unbearable heat hoping they’ll give you food as there sure isn’t any at home. Such comforts as electricity and water are out of the question and you’re just happy with what you get. When you sit down to take your final exams, you are up against some other kid who researches for her homework on the internet … at home! She has 5 meals a day and engages in such extra-curricular activities as swimming and is an ace in the debate team.

Do you think the playing field is equal? May it maybe be necessary for you to try harder to achieve what she can? Is it unfair to lower the standards for you to bring the start line for the two of you to the same position?

Ok … Ok … I hear someone shout “But some have made it. Why can’t you?!” The truth is that we’re not all the same and some do excel even under the worst of circumstances. We have to take on the debate while looking at the average Joe. Yes 5 Tanzanian women MP’s have made it to ministerial positions. That’s 5 out of 31 ministers. You do the math. The world is skewed in such a way that a man has an easier time in the political scene. We need to tip the balance in the women’s favour to even things out. The same applies to men. How many male receptionists do you know? Hell, it’s only the other day that male nurses became acceptable to most of us!

So you see, affirmative action is not a bad thing so long as it is carried out within some time frame. Leaving it open ended would just amount to discrimination.

Alcoblow

The issue on my mind today is the Alco-blow or the Breathalyser as its known in some parts of the world. First off, I think that the person who invented it was quite sadistic. Ok maybe not to go that far since some pretty nasty accidents have been caused by drunk driving. I was actually in court once when an accused driver who had been arrested the day before on the charge of drunk driving was still too high to enter a plea. Imagine him driving the vehicle behind you!

My question is just is this country really ready for such a contraption? Consider the following:

Stumbling block 1
The first obvious stumbling block can be found in our dear brothers and sisters the law enforcers. I’m sure many from our dedicated police force had a merry Christmas due to their heavily greased palms. Think about it; where the fine is Kshs. 10,000.00 the bribe (and of course that is an option) has to be heftier than would otherwise be the position.

Stumbling block 2
The penalties on being found guilty are just crazy! Kshs. 10,000.00? Loss of license? Loss of car!? The punishment just does not fit the crime. Hear me out here. One of the raisons d’etre of a penalty is to deter people from committing crimes having learnt from what befell one who was not so wise. The effect of having a punishment that is too severe is that people will put more energy into not getting caught (see stumbling block 1 above) and less in following the proper path. This is clearly counter-productive.

Today I was talking to a guy who gave me all manner of ideas on how to get away with more than two and a half beers and still sit on the driver’s seat. People’s minds are churning.

Karibu

So this is my space. Cool.

You will get to read my ramblings and ideas and maybe one day, I'll be a Pulitzer prize winner coz of this blog. Cool.